If there was one song that would some up the soundtrack to my life it would most likely be Del Amitri’s prophetic; always the last to know.
To begin with whenever I was out of my depth I’d try and cover it using the tried and tested Joey Tribbiani smile and nod method, but then curiosity will get the better of me and I end up outing myself as a complete nitwit!
Take J-Pegs for instance. I rubbed my arthritic hands with glee when I heard mention of these during a works Skype call, assuming they were niftily designed ergonomic clothes hangers but alas it transpires drying washing is not their purpose. I confess I’m still at a loss as to what the J-Pegs do, but I like to think of them as the miniature paperclip that sometimes appears on emails if I’m lucky.
After many hours of painstaking research I have however discovered a few things which I will share with you:
Vajazzle = intimate skin decoration where the fairies arrive and glitter bomb your fu-fu! Having tried a DIY version armed with a Pritt Stick and some googly eyes I can tell you this – it might be cheaper at home but do consult a professional. Although it’s amazing what you can do with enough pipe cleaners and a craft box!
Night Mode = initially I suspected this maybe a remake of Stake Out justly resurrecting Emilio Esteves’ career. Alas it turns your screen all twilight-y. An adult comfortable light if you will. Although I do use it in moderation as I’m scared of casually abusing it during the day, consequently throwing out my body clock as I’m already #QueenOfTheNaps
Tinder = camping and kindling related it is NOT! Is basically a human cattle market on your phone where you swipe people based entirely on looks – a dating self-checkout for the young folk *shudders* #FaceForRadio
Port = not to be confused with a maritime shipping dock but rather a little Star Wars loading area located somewhere about your PC or laptop which houses a militant collective of angry looking fork o’war to which you connect other items such as pen drives (which sadly are not motorised Papermates).
Now, there is one final subject which I’ve been gathering information upon on a piecemeal basis so as not to arouse suspicion; Sira (shhhhhh – keep your voice down, we need library quiet for this).
You see there are some subjects even I fear to inquire of. Some topics are too hot for discussion. I once overheard some lads at work talking about ‘tea bagging’ and turns out they weren’t discussing a stewed brew!
So I’ve gone covert and begun my investigations into her nefarious activities on the QT.
In the damp basement of my mind is a pin board littered with my findings; not all too dissimilar to Carrie Matheson’s living room wall when she’s entering her golden hour sans meds.
If you’re wi-fi starts playing up that’s because she knows you’re reading this – she has eyes and ears everywhere thanks to her underling Alexa mini-bots. Think about it. Whilst she hovers above us all in her evil drone blimp in the sky pondering our ruination, her minions hack our phones; commanding us to the screen poltergeist style with their pretty lights and subliminal messages ‘How can I help you today?’ – pah! You won’t capture me that easily – I refuse to listen to voicemails too! Resist people!
This may prove controversial but I also suspect Sira is a hermaphrodite! Think about it, she has the beguiling nature of a woman combined with the ruthlessness of Agent Smith.
She’s even gone into food production to fund her vendetta – I give you exhibit A: hummus! Where did it even come from? It just mysteriously entered our lives one day without explanation, as if we had been preconditioned not to question its blandness but buy it nonetheless.
Cous cous I’ll validate, mainly because it sounds like a snake playing maracas when you say it and old Ainsley has his own brand; any man that can handle an oversized pepper mill with such aplomb is to be trusted in my book.
Right I’m off to charge the EMP – but before you doubt my theory you should know two things:
Firstly; I know things about pigeons; and secondly….
You’re not out yet!