So, how’ve you been? If you’re anything like me, you’re hanging on by a very fine thread during this relentless pandemic (like those irritating random bits of elastic that start to fray from your knickers after too many washes) to me it’s become the viral version of Bane from Batman “You merely adopted the dark, I was born in it, molded by it”; but remember even that brutal colossal met his match in the end.
I won’t beat about the bush, I love Bill Murray but I hate the film Groundhog Day and now I feel I’m living on set and I daren’t even tell you the havoc this self-isolation is having on my usual grooming habits, okay I will (sharing is caring after all); the first fortnight of lockdown I was defiantly dressing every day but now my fu-fu looks like a poor man’s tribute to the Jackson 5 and my nipples have eyelashes!
Taking the dog for a walk has turned into an audition for Strictly, filled with perilous footwork and crossovers the moment a pedestrian heads in your direction and I need a sedative after spending half the day queuing to do the ‘big’ shop.
But there are a few positives amongst this bleak vista; I’ve become addicted to Sugar Rush and no one bats an eyelid at the amount of bottles in my recycling box anymore.
Admittedly to begin with I underestimated this COVID19 shitehawk (one of my nan’s more choice insults which I like to dole out to keep her memory alive) and while everyone was stockpiling, the only thing I panic bought was books, lots of books – and rum! See I refused to be brought down to the quagmire of fighting over hand wash and pasta. However I’m nothing if not stubborn and I will not go quietly into the night, I’m taking that red pill, joining Morpheus and co and discovering how deep the rabbit hole goes…with the aid of generous servings of Bacardi.
I now sport a daily ensemble of grey joggers and hoodie and don’t look all that dissimilar to Wentworth from Prison Break.
I’ve discovered Google is a better teacher than myself and I have de-crumbed the toaster so often it may now be filed under ‘Other Interests’ on my CV.
At least the telly has been amazing! There’s Russell Howard’s Home Time, which is always uplifting, First Dates Hotel is back (my crush on Merlin rages on!) and next week the incredibly funny Brassic is back.
And if you’re not that bothered about the box *internally shudders* (you think you know a person!) there’s always something to read. If during this #ShelfIsolation you fancy casting your peepers over some parchment then did I mention my own ickle book Driftwood is free to download in Amazon’s Kindle Store at the moment *coughs to cover shameless self-promotion* getbook.at/driftwood and would definitely recommend the following to stoke the insatiable flames of your heart’s desire:
Anything by John Connolly
Anything by Marian Keyes
All The Light We Cannot See
The Passage trilogy
The Night Circus
Under the Dome
When A Monster Calls
The Gollum and the Djinni
Right I’m off for now – there’s a multi-pack of beef Space Raiders with my name on.
Stay safe and take care folks,